Shailesh’s mother was suffering from a disease, about which I didn’t know much. The doctors had given a strange name to it. The family was one of the reputed families but the sufferings inside the family were persistent to not disappear. Shailesh has always tried to be nice and hopeful. He was one of the very calm and peaceful personalities I ever knew.
“It has been almost eleven years.” Shailesh said.
“We have been visiting doctors. There has been regular medication.” his father added. His voice was cracked, with some weariness and exhaustion dissolved in it. “I long to sit in the sunshine on the terrace. But I can’t climb the stairs. I’m too weak for that.” said the lady encircled by the quilt. There were short sentences, partially broken followed by long uninterrupted moments of complete quietude.
“The doctor of FORTIS hospital, Dr. Amish, says that she will be better soon.”
“The previous doctors had been claiming the same.”, replied his father.
During the conversation, Shailesh’s sister entered the room with the tray in her hand. Her striking eyes spoke of high ambitions she had. After serving me some snacks and tea, she went to the other room to study. Barely a few minutes had passed when the old man in the house called her.
“Make me a cup of tea, your dadi says she is not feeling well.”
“Okay dadaji,” was the obedient reply.
I realised how different chores in the house swallowed the few hours she wanted to devote to the books. But, was there any choice?Life rarely comes with alternatives.
Their father is a small businessman. The expenses of the treatment of the lady forces him to toil more. The fatigue surfaces on his face when he speaks. Shailesh himself is pursuing graduation from Panjab University. It was after his first year that he realised her mother’s health had worsened. Now he spends most of his days at home and misses the routine life at the University. The illness,
she said, was affecting the other parts of the body too.
she said, was affecting the other parts of the body too.
The walls of the room had a number of sea landscapes and few happy photographs of the family. There were smiling, bright faces in the frames, which now had vanished. Endless dullness had saturated the surroundings. It was quite apparent that the complete focus of the family had shifted to her health.
I remembered the time when my mother was in a similar condition. It was one of the hardest times for the family. We would help her in every chore of the house. Sometimes, we had to do all the work. There was helplessness, but there was hope. Mummy would weep sometimes in the middle of the night. She did not want to bother us for every little thing but, was there any choice? There were clouds of sadness.
There were rains as well.During the little time I spent there, I spoke very less. With a heavy heart and wishing her a soon recovery, I walked out of the room, followed by Shailesh. There was an atmosphere of complete silence. I could not find any words to suit
the moment.
the moment.
“See you soon.” I nodded, smiled and started walking outside the house. The fog had become very dense and the visibility had decreased in the same proportion. Nothing, beyond a few yards, was visible.
Take a step forward and you’ll see what life has in stores for you.The freezing temperature made me shiver. I tried not to stop, for one may not find sources of heat in this chilling cold. It just goes on.
Hey, arnav here. I read this and quite liked it. The grim and poignant external space that characterises the story is well sketched out in the internal life of the characters as well. I like the way the story progresses and the use of good, suitable expressions helps the progression in a more better way. For e.g
ReplyDelete"His voice was cracked, with some weariness and exhaustion dissolved in it."
"The pale faces sang the story of the bleak years of the suffering"
"There were some clouds of sadness."
These expressions qualifies the required grimness in the story. The bleak world is well reflected through these. Although I think, you can use some more good expressions in the story.
However, there are certain things that I found worth pointing out to you which might help you.
First, the use of adverbs, like in this line:
"It has been eleven years, ALMOST."
placing the adverb sometimes at the end of a sentence may lead to state the informality of the sentence, which our dearly loved Indian writers do. You know of whom I am talking about. hehe :) So, when you want to qualify a verb by an adverb try placing it right before the verb or after it (not always). In this case,
"It has been almost eleven years."
But, you can see that this sentence makes half a sense (not literally) but to the reading eyes. so better you can do it this way-
"It has been almost eleven years," Shailesh said "since we have been visiting doctors." (then continue the lines). The comma is used to state that something is half said, and the other half follows after the describing expressive tone of the speaker.
Next, sometimes words can be quite irritable when read in a line, because you feel that it seems unsuitable in the line you have just read. Remember when I said that "It was faustus' lust for knowledge" when Keval gave a right away chastisement of my usage of words. Same here, just that in your case I feel that the word "Appeared" in the line "Shailesh's sister appeared in the room with the tray in her hand." makes me feel uncomfortable when read. Appear in this sentence tells me that see "appears" magically out of the blue! So, "she came" into the room or "she entered the room" seems rather suitable as it acts in consonance with "she went" in the following lines.
Lastly, this line seems to sweep my mind incomprehensibly-
"We started walking TOWARDS the home in the fog"
towards the home? but the narrator just left the room and even if he is outside then he and shailesh must be walking away from the house rather than towards the house. Am I right?
Also, it will be better to use "the house" instead of "home". For the idea of home for me is more virtual, internal, and abstract existence whereas house is more of a physical, concrete, and external existence. So house will be better in this line.
Nevertheless, I like your story as I have already said. And will look forward to read more of them :) thank you
Well Gogoi,
DeleteThanks for those suggestions.
I really need to learn making use of proper words at proper places.
Will make changes in the story.
Thanks :)